Losing Baby Weight Is ‘Easy’ Says Person Who Will Never Have To Do It

You’ve probably heard of Gary Beadle. A talentless Geordie famed for bedding hundreds of women and making each one feel completely worthless. His latest flame, a slip of a woman who seems willing to turn a blind eye to her boyfriends extra-curricular activities, has just given birth to their first baby. Cue thousands of photographs of said couple posing with every sponsored item you could imagine; nappies, essential children’s footwear (that they will never need) and the staple of every Z-lister’s instagram- teeth whitening products. Whilst those of us with babies piss ourselves laughing at these two morons and the shock that’s in store for them, they use their social media presence to rake in the cash.

What they do to earn their money is none of my business. Yes, it galls me that reality TV keeps churning out an endless stream of tosspots that can hardly string a coherent sentence together, and the tosspots appear to be living the dream off the back of their idiocy. This is a sign of the times, and you can’t blame people for wanting to coin it in for doing something as underwhelming as taking a filtered selfie. However, Gary’s famous ‘parsnip’ got itself into bother for the second time last year as he knocked up his current girlfriend, and he suddenly became father of the year. The fresh-faced (for now) Emma McVey delivered their son two weeks ago, and he couldn’t be prouder…of her losing her baby weight. Forgive me if I don’t take advice from an overpaid, arrogant, uneducated man on post-partum issues, but using your influence to pressure and shame women about their bodies is quite frankly, despicable.

Emma, whose slim physique resembles that of a pencil, must feel fabulous that she can get back in her pre-pregnancy clothes. It took me approximately a year to do the same thing, I was still wearing maternity pants for eight weeks afterwards. Maybe more. That wasn’t necessary, but once you’ve gone out for a meal in an elasticated waistband, it’s tough to let go. It’s not so much that she’s lost all of her weight so quickly, but the fact that Emma is walking normally ten days after her birth that astounds me, because I sure wasn’t. But what is the secret to her incredible weight loss? Herbalife, of course! What a fantastic idea, to just drink vile looking shakes for ten days after your body has just been through the trauma of giving birth. How sad that she feels it necessary to prioritise losing weight and advertising a complete con over those magical first few days with her newborn son.

No doubt, I’d love to channel this willpower that Emma possesses. Unfortunately, I gag at the sight of any weight-loss shakes and would much rather pound a Terry’s Chocolate Orange than the treadmill. I’m still weighing up whether she put out such a controversial post because of her insecurity or a misplaced feeling of superiority. The delightful Gaz waded into the issue, claiming that losing weight is ‘easy’ if you aren’t lazy. Thank you for your insight Gary, I’m pleased you could give such an informed opinion despite biology ruling out your ability to grow a human inside your body. I’m looking forward to hearing your breastfeeding advice that you’ll be unqualified to give with your useless nipples.

Was Emma’s grit and determination to lose this weight the only factor for her success of zipping up those size zeros? Is she in the average woman’s position? Is she bugger. She’s had meals prepared for her throughout her pregnancy and the parsnip’s bank balance ensures that she can workout with personal trainers. She wasn’t sat behind a desk from  9-5 like the majority of women are up until they can take their much needed maternity leave. Unless you’re earning a packet, most couples get home with their newborn and do their best to juggle maintaining their house, cooking/adding boiling water to meals and keeping a tiny, screaming human alive. It’s not lazy to stay in your pyjamas until the afternoon, to survive on packets of Super Noodles, or to be too exhausted from night feeds to want to lift weights. It’s called real life. So I hope Gary and Emma are both enjoying their slim lives and making the most of their son, but I’d thank them both to keep their opinions to themselves, because they haven’t got a bloody clue what they’re talking about. I hope you feel the full force of parenthood as it smacks you in the face, tosspots.

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